There's just too much that time cannot erase.
Monday, July 19, 2010, 7:25 PM
Yeah, I've decided to come back. And, uh, yeah. Today's wasted, once again. Well, everyday's a waste of time to me. It's really hard, to continue living. I don't know why, I just find it, really hard.
Idc alrd lah, I really need somewhere to vent.
I feel like I've failed them. Yeah, I've never really cared about how they felt. But if they actually realised that I'm sitting here the whole day doing nothing, I really feel that I'm a disappointment to them. I promised that I'll work hard, and I failed. I hadn't worked hard at all. And I'm having a math test tmrw. How? I also don't know. Any-oh-how. And get crap results. Thanks, I promised that I don't need tuition, and I'll work hard. And now, obviously it isn't the case.
I need to get inspired. (C, does that sound familiar to you?) I can't possibly just sit here everyday. Yeah, and I promised Ch before also. Well, not exactly promised. But, yeah.
I really, feel so.. disgusted by my own actions. And yet I say that human nature's so ugly. But I feel so hypocrite. No matter how much I say that human nature's ugly, I'm part of it. And I'm not doing anything against it. Isn't that hypocrital? It is right? And yeah, that's my problem. I didn't realise this problem before. But now that I gave it an extra thought, it was the case that I was a hypocrite.
It doesn't imply to everyone though. Not everyone knows about human nature being so ugly. But people who knows, and don't give a damn about it. Yes, all of us are hypocrites. I'm not denying, because I'm flat-out guilty. Like how WH always says.
My life, is ruined. And I'm already a goner. I can't do anything about it anymore. It's the end, a dead end. It's like a giant roller coaster, but this never stops. And that's why it's called a cycle. It never stops, no matter how long you've sat on this ride. You think that it's going to end, but it never ends.
And I'm failed because, unfortunately, I don't feel like continuing on this roller coaster. It makes me want to puke. It makes me want to end my life. It makes me want to end everything once and for all. But do you actually think that it's be so easy? No. That's how life tortures you.
The only thing that you can do is, what the chineses calls 认命. It's the only thing that we can do now. And it's pathetic.
I've had enough of this crap. There's only two way to get a ever-so slightly life. To ruin it, and just kill myself, and that would mean a lot worst because I'll end up harming everyone that I cared for/cared for me. Or to work hard against it. (How am I exactly gonna do that?)
My initial thought was to work hard to achieve things that I'm supposed to, and let them be happy about my results. Yeah, I think I'll do that, and try to recultivate my heart. You know, like the song - Ryuuro by Paku Romi. -squeals-
Yeah, I suppose that'll work. Gotta learn to love myself. And C, it applies to you too. :)
Ps. "It's hard to say that I was wrong. It's hard to say that I missed you. Since you've been gone, it's not the same."